Leaving the house into grey skies and rain surprised me. I'm starting to let myself feel that I'm almost at the end of this journey and I'd not looked out any windows or checked the weather but presumed it would be dry as it has been for the majority of the time. I quickly put the waterproof covers on my bags, I was already wearing my waterproof trousers for extra warmth and mud protection. I spent a while thinking of which route to take through Sheffield, I lived there 2014 - 2015 and have clear memories, including of Ro visiting and I didn't know if I wanted to avoid or embrace them.
For the first few weeks after he died I had many random memories from my life which were often of people but never Ro, and some of them were very obscure and I was surprised to be remembering them, but each moment that flashed into my mind was followed by 'Ro was alive when that happened.' And I had a strong sense of that today remembering the year I spent in Sheffield.
I don't think there was much chance I wouldn't choose to walk a path that would literally be a memory lane but I needed to take some time to prepare. Not too much time though and I set off towards Good Taste the fair trade shop in Broomhill which in 2014 had begun as Fair Grounds. People-power and community helped transform an empty, dingy former off licence into a bright, inviting space where I'd been shop manager for a year. Ro was there on the opening night along with other friends from Bradford, he wouldn't have missed it. There are photos from that evening, one with Ro in the background browsing the shelves. He bought fair trade when he could, used his eye for detail and steady hand to help my mum cut out and sew bunting for the festival stalls, at those festivals he helped put up the stall tents, laid out stock and spoke to customers. In the work I did alongside sales he helped me run sessions for children and young people, once at very short notice! He also gave me a couple of books on running a business and was the best person to drive in the van with! He wanted me to succeed, on a personal level to earn a living doing something I was passionate about and he also wanted to see change bigger than any individual person or business, a world of equality and justice.
As I was carrying my bags and walking up Sheffield's city hills in the rain I had and I'm not going to be modest here, a brilliant idea! I'm staying with Phil and Tammy (although unfortunately Tammy is away) but I suddenly thought maybe their house is on my route and I can drop my big rucksack. I messaged Phil who sent me the address and it was just under 30mins away so I asked if I could pass by. He said of course and would I like a coffee? I knew it would be a good coffee and although it would mean going above my daily limit, it already felt like a 3 coffee day. I didn't want to get too comfortable, so stood up and had a nice chat with Phil as I drank and explained my phone hadn't charged overnight, and to add to my tech issues the lights on my powerpack don't work so I have no idea how much battery it has.
Don't you just love people who have a fully charged powerpack ready to go? I'm not one of those people but it turns out Phil is! He returned moments later not just with the charger but a large bar of dark chocolate - power for the phone and power for me! I said goodbye and continued walking with just my small bag and a phone that was charging so it had been an excellent decision to take this pause, and if that wasn't enough most of the rain had now stopped.
I got emotional arriving at the shop, but it was good to go in and spend a short time looking around the beautiful space, some things had changed while others were exactly the same - the world map on the wall behind the counter created by David, the slat walling my dad had sourced from a shop that was closing down which we'd collected and put up with the help of volunteers, the reddy-brown chalk paint around the door that I remember painting and the 'Thank You' signs my sister Hannah had made. Unfortunately Jenny, a family friend who now runs the shop wasn't there today, she'd met Ro a few times and I'd been hoping to see her, but before I left I bought myself a beautiful pair of green glass earrings as a reminder of both this walk and my year in Sheffield.
I continued North towards Hillsborough where I had shared a house with Hannah who was working in Sheffield in 2014. It was a familiar route, I didn't need to use my phone to navigate this bit. I went to put it in my pocket but dropped it onto the road at a bus stop just as the bus was coming in! Luckily I grabbed it just in time and it wasn't damaged.
Throughout my walk I've been thinking of and listening to music that Ro liked or that reminds me of him and sometimes songs from 'My Fair Lady' have popped into my head, they did again today. I love a musical and Ro told me that as a child he'd gone on a, as he put it, 'city kids get taken to the countryside' holiday where he'd spent time in Wales staying with an older couple who had taken him to see My Fair Lady and Ro absolutely loved it. I think the kindness he was shown along with the music, characters and story as he was immersed in the magic of live theatre, captured his imagination and took him to a place of joy, warmth and connection which he never lost.
When we went on Lingo a TV game show which was filmed in Manchester in September 2022, Ro was working in a temp job where he could work from home so he came up to Bradford from London to work and hang out and see friends for a couple of weeks. I loved spending that time together, especially after the covid lockdowns. He wasn't treated well in that job or given proper training, he did his best as he always did, but told me he was afraid they were going to let him go. They did while he was in Bradford and he wrote an email to the head of the company stating the reasons why he had been unfairly treated, it was acknowledged in an unsatisfactory way and not acted on and Ro was left to find another job with all the worry and uncertainty that brings. I'd seen that My Fair Lady was on at Bradford Alhambra theatre, we'd just (spoiler alert) won Lingo so I knew some extra money would be coming our way and I bought tickets. I'd booked cheap seats but the theatre wasn't full so we were upgraded. I remember having a drink in the interval chatting about it and singing the songs throughout the rest of the time Ro was in Bradford! He shared with me afterwards he'd got emotional watching it. The connection of past and present, the way music can move you, a difficult life situation to deal with but temporary escapism in the moment. I know I'll never watch it at the theatre again.
Moving through the outskirts of Sheffield it's such a great city because you're almost immediately in nature. I left a busy road for a quiet road, walked past a factory and climbed up a hill into woods. The blue sky had returned, there were loud machinery sounds, the hill was steep and I started crying, all the sadness I felt for Ro being dead and not being here in the world in his beautiful human form. Big crying with the big steps I was taking. I sat on a tree stump at the top of the hill to drink water and kept crying, I didn't think anyone would be passing but I also didn't care if they did, I needed to cry like this. I don't know how long I was there but eventually the tears stopped and I felt lighter.
I walked through the woods and onto a beautiful way (I love Yorkshire!) that took me past fields, up more hills and into tall trees through which there were stunning views. I felt very held by nature. I passed only a couple of people and more tears fell as I felt gratitude for all the people in my life who love me and forgive me and even sometimes understand me. I try to reciprocate the love. I thought about how we're all living our one life and when a loved one dies it becomes finding the way but without one of the people who journeyed alongside you and it's hard. There's a lot I'll never understand but at this point there's one thing I know, I've got a life to live and I'm not alone. Also crying is great!
Birthdays meant a lot to Ro, both his own and others. I'm a bit hit or miss with birthdays but I'm trying to be better celebrating people marking that moment someone entered the world, and the world changed. I think Ro as a big brother understood this early on as his siblings were born, he loved them so much, his love is with them. I do have regret for the times I didn't celebrate Ro's birthday as much as I could have done, but he knew me so well I'm confident he understood and knew I'd get there eventually! It's one of the many important lessons I gained in getting to know him, as well as other friends and family who are also very good at birthdays, I appreciate the guidance through observing and receiving. Ro once sent me a text which said 'Happy birthday Nina forgive yourself a lot today' at the time I thought it was a strange birthday message but it stuck in my head and every year on my birthday I say it to myself but there are many other days on my journeys round the sun when I repeat it. What a gift. Today was one of those days and as I was thinking about that I also thought about the Mary Oliver poem
The Uses of Sorrow
(In my sleep I dreamed this poem)
Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.
I'm sure you can tell by now from the length and content of this post that it was a heavy day. I was also remembering with love my nan Betty, she died on this day in 2015. She was very fond of Ro having met him in Whitby, we'd played Scrabble, I'm sure Ro won! She always sent him a birthday card and Christmas present and when she called me would ask how he was doing. My nan and I enjoyed watching TV game shows together and one of her favourites was Countdown. It was sad that she was too close to the end of her life when Ro's Countdown episode was broadcast to be able to watch it, but she'd known he was going on because a few months earlier he'd given her a gift which was the Countdown mug he'd got for being a contestant. It was in a box and on it he'd written "To Betty, with Love Rimoaine" He came to her funeral. I can't remember if he had to lie about who had died, take annual leave or call in sick to be able to take the day off work to attend, but he had wanted to be there. It seems really wrong that many workplaces don't allow employees to (easily) attend funerals of those in a wider circle.
My nan was an inspiration to me, facing adversity with strength, acceptance and love. She had MS and using one hand and her mouth would cross-stitch beautiful, detailed and thoughtful art which she gave as gifts or to raise money for charity, I have 3 of her pictures which she made for me and I love and treasure them. We had lots of laughs, including at my constant attempts to finish a cross-stitch, which I eventually did and gave to her as a present. She and my gramps loved Scotland and I enjoyed our holidays together. Betty and Ro had some things in common too, their unwavering support for me in everything I did, love of family, no bitterness in difficult personal situations, creative, used euthymol toothpaste, rum and raisin was their favourite ice cream flavour and I miss talking to them both.
I arrived in Stocksbridge around 3pm after 14.5 miles, I'd been keen to keep moving and hadn't seen anywhere to buy food so I was ready to eat. I went to Zorro Lounge in the shopping outlet and ordered a flatbread with hummus and salad, I wanted fries on the side which was cheaper than ordering them separately, but I only had one bank card and needed to transfer some money to have enough to pay for the whole meal. I asked if I could order, get the food now and pay afterwards. As an alternative I said my sister was coming to meet me and could pay when she arrived in 15 mins. The man who served me had a think and said "ok we don't usually do this but you can order on a tab and pay when you leave". I was so grateful and the words tumbled out "thank you so much, I've been walking from Brighton to Bradford in memory of my friend who died and I haven't eaten since breakfast, but I am happy to be in Yorkshire and almost home!" I went to get some water and as I sat down to wait for the food he came over to me and said "it's on the house, that's a good thing you're doing." Overwhelmed by tiredness, grief and kindness, I went to the toilets and cried some more! Hannah arrived a few minutes later and we had a big hug, I cried again then we ate and caught up with each other.
Hannah drove us back to Phil's house, and we talked about how you can walk all day and get back to where you started by car in under an hour! I didn't mind going back because it is lovely to be hosted by Phil and it is further North from Katie's and worked out incredibly well this morning! After dinner we had some drinks by the cosy, warm fire and Phil asked if we'd be happy to talk about Ro as he wanted to get to know who he was, of course Hannah and I said yes and answered Phil's questions sharing memories of our friend, the conversation was a quiet, relaxed way to end the day.
